Vanished

01/10/2024

The last few months - the end of 2023 and the very beginning 2024 - have been emotionally charged. And to a noticeable, non-judgmental, remarkable degree: emotionally numb.

2023 was a balance between intention and instinct. One day, I would find myself surrounded by people, bouncing from group to group, sharing good conversation and energy. Another day, I would not move more than a few feet in any direction, bogged down by my overprocessing the world - mine and the larger one - for signals that what I bring and give and share might be useful to anyone beyond me.

In that latter place, which is never in a vacuum - though should it be seen in one, carries no positive or negative (it just is) - I spent much time in imagined scenarios of conflict. In the world, I tried to avoid even the slightest confrontation; in my head, I raged, creating conversations rooted in the emotions I struggled to influence to positive outcomes.

The back and forth had its own roots. I allowed people into one of my sacred spaces - my Tulsa cottage - who needed help, said the right things, and ultimately acted like rabid animals. In that real world, I allowed those people to take advantage of me, as they had been taken advatage of by others. A vicious, trust-eroding feedback loop. They took inches, then feet, then miles...and I justified the Zionist-like encroachment on my emotional boundaries by telling myself they had been through so much worse than I, perhaps a calm, loving space would be healing after a time. And I could suffer through that, no? I could allow people with no moral grounding or parental consistency or motivation to do better to trample my comfort zones and borders, right?

To teach me perhaps what my new boundaries should be. Must be. Ah, the lesson revealed!

Now we are tighter, sterner, more forceful with our many spaces...and yet still courteous, kind, and dignified as one should be to all humans in whatever circumstance. And that renewed conviction has resulted in a material shift or personal habits, particularly my decision to stop consuming cannabis.

This is the 10th day in a row of doing so cold. Pure willpower. A reminder that the mind can adapt exceptionally quickly, even as the process plays out over a longer period. 

Clearer head and heart for the win. On a gagné l'esprit, et car, le voyage :)